Tell Me Something So Beautiful

Sunday, July 01, 2007

1:13 AM

Changes. Well, some changes are great. Some just aren't suppose to happen. For me, I hate changes. I absolutely dislike the very fact that a situation seems different.

I also hate knowing when people are watching you, judging you, comparing you. That's why, I get afraid of those situations. Change. To be in a different situation, around people I don't know well, doing what I really have no idea how to do, or basically, doing something I suck at, knowing that others at least are better than you. I get that insecurity, up till, I won't be able to think, to move, seems like I've lost my pride. My dignity. Is that ego? I have no idea.

I wouldn't mind if its just two people, me and somebody, either, somebody I know I won't see again, or somebody I'm well comfortable with.

Am I a cowardly fool? Am I? I think I am.

With this attitude, I pull people away. From fun, enjoyment. From friends and loved ones. From everyone else. I have the people to myself. Just for me, just so, I'm comfortable, just so, I live life normally, just so no change happens, just so I feel good.

Am I selfish? I think I am.

As I think of my greed to have all for myself. I can't help myself to come to a point where I have let down the people. Let down myself to turn to new experiences. To live life in the comfort zone and never challenge myself. I let my own dream go away. Just so I could live life nicely. I tried doing something different, away from my passion. But I couldn't adjust to love it just as much as I used to love my old passion. Ever since then, I thought, changes are never good for me.So, I start to miss it, I start to regret and think how much fun I used to have living with it no matter what, i was arrogant. I missed the best chance. I missed it. When that fact was well absorbed, I knew I can't turn back time. I lost my way.

Was I stupid in a way? I think I am.

For the love one then, nobody knows. I worry every second to try to fit in. To forget the differences. To regard the Gap as nothing. To understand the other. To make the other live blissfully in love with me. To be the best. To be good enough. To be the One. To be everything. I try to be perfect as can be, that I cry, I cry when I know I've let down. I cry when I know I'm disappointing. I cry when I was seen as a flaw. I cry when I realise I haven't been good enough. I cry when I see a better match. I cry when I know I'm the worse one. I cry.. I cry.. and I cry.

Am I so pathetic? I think I am.

When I think of pathetic. I think of my friends. Where am I standing in their lives now? Where do I stand?Was it me that abandoned you? Am I no longer on your so called featured list. Was it my fault? I can't help but to worry how much I've left them down. I can't help but think of how much I made them change. Made them get use to me no longer being around them. Even though, I miss them so much. I know I haven't been paying much attention to one of you especially. I've let you slip. But don't treat me like a tee shirt. It hurts me that you do.

I feel so much better after this.